


Lover

by jakia



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, M/M, Magical Texting, Making Out, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, can be read for both characters being demi-sexual, characters with anxiety, disabled Essek, intimacy: the fic, magical texting that will eventually become magical sexting, more tags to be added as more chapters are added, starts fluffy but does get progressively darker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 11:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20741369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakia/pseuds/jakia
Summary: Sixteen years he’s gone without a lover, and it hasn’t really bothered him all that much. Now that he and Essek have started fooling around, however, he finds it difficult to go on for too long without touching him. A story about intimacy, trust, and the process it takes to care about someone again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was brought to you by Taylor Swift’s Lover on repeat for three days straight. It was also inspired by the fact that a lot of Shadowgast fic is mostly about them boning, and while their sexual tension is in fact breath-taking, some folks need time before taking that step, and I wanted to see what that looked like in fiction with these two idiots.
> 
> But then, of course, the plot fucking grew, as plots are likely to do, and so we have this large fic of mine. There are three chapters (maybe four--chapter three is *long*) but it’s all already complete: it just needs editing. My goal is to have all of it up by Thursday so it can be immediately jossed, but I make no promises. 
> 
> Comments are incredibly encouraging.

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years, seven months, twenty-three days, to be more exact. Sometimes his eidetic memory was more of a curse than a gift. That’s how long it had been since he last saw Astrid, had last kissed her, had last been with another person, physically. 

And he had been  _ fine. _ Really. Sure, there had been lonely nights here and there, days when he longed to have companionship of a  _ different  _ sort, not better or worse, more physical than Nott’s constant friendship, Caduecus’s quiet company, Fjord’s charm, Jester’s warmth and laughter, and Beau’s cunning wit. 

He had a right hand and a perfect memory: he could make due alone, to take care of any physical need he might have. He might’ve missed the afterglow, the intimacy of having someone close by afterwards to hold on to, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t live without. He was adaptable. Besides, he highly doubted he would ever have another lover again, anyway, given everything that had happened in his life. 

Who could ever want someone like him?

Except he was  _ wrong _ , of course, because the past three times he’d seen Essek Thelyss in the past two weeks, they’d ended up exactly like this: pressed up against one another, trading hot kisses, exploratory hands caressing against cloth and skin. 

He wasn’t even sure how it had even started: they had been studying together, talking quietly about-- _ something.  _ It had been important, he was sure, but then they were  _ kissing _ , like kissing-kissing, like Caleb-on-the-floor-with-Essek-on-top-of-him kissing. Caleb hadn’t wanted to stop, but eventually Essek pulled off of him with a sheepish smile and a dark purple flush on his face, and said he’d have to see him again soon, and left. 

And Caleb could have came right then, harder than he’d been in years and left wanting on the library floor in the Xhorhaus, but he pulled himself up and managed to make it to his bedroom, where he spent the evening thinking of little else besides the dark purple color of Essek’s face and the way his body had felt pressed against his own.

He slept  _ well  _ that night. Better than he had in a long time, deeply and fully, to the point that Nott had to wake him the next morning when his internal clock failed him.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had  _ wanted _ so much. Being with Essek was like turning his brain off in the best way possible--better than polymorph, even, because all he could think about was tongue and mouth and lips and skin.

The next time they met had been at an official affair, a meeting with the Bright Queen with Essek in attendance, cool and formal and every bit the perfectly poised professional. He would have thought he might’ve just imagined their earlier entanglement entirely, if Essek hadn’t grabbed him after the meeting and shoved him into a nearby coat closet. 

He then proceeded to have a rather  _ excellent  _ ten minutes, and would have gladly spent even more time with him, trading lips and tongue and touch, if Beau hadn’t come looking for him, forcing him to quickly try and detangle Essek’s mantle from where it had gotten hooked into Caleb’s mythril shirt.

He had insisted on a private bath in the hot tub that night, away from the others, with the door locked tight. 

Their latest encounter was a more formal occasion. An invitation, sent via a rather beautiful raven, inviting him to an unknown location that must have been Essek’s home, in order to “continue the discussion they had before.” 

He didn’t quite know what that meant; they hadn’t discussed anything the last few times they’d been together, unless you counted the way they immediately gravitated towards one another, their magnetism more powerful than any spell Caleb knew. 

They hadn’t had sex yet. They had, however, made out furiously, every time they’d been alone in a room together.

Which meant that when Essek invited him over, Caleb showered, shaved, bought another new coat, and very seriously considered asking his companions for advice before deciding against it.

Gods, but he wanted him badly. He’d masturbated more this past week than he had in the past decade, or so it felt like.

He had barely made it into Essek’s house before he found himself draped across Essek’s lap, the drow either unaware of or uncaring about the weight of Caleb’s bony ass pressed against his thighs. Essek had one hand snaked around Caleb’s waist while the other had a deathgrip on his thigh, squeezing and massaging and trending ever higher up Caleb’s body. Caleb, for his part, was busy concerning himself with Essek’s neck, and how sensitive his ears were, and what lovely little noises he was making, and wondering just how dark a color he could make his skin go if he kept biting his neck, and--

He felt the cold of the alarm spell wave over him before he heard it. He groaned, loudly, and his only consolation was the fact that Essek groaned, too, before pulling away from him.

“No,” he moaned, trying to pull Essek closer to him, even as the drow protested despite Caleb’s mouth on his chin. It had only been--

An hour?  _ Really?  _ It hadn’t felt like it.

“Sorry,” Essek apologized, pressing several fast kisses against Caleb’s face. “I thought we’d have more time before I was summoned to the Council.”

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know. I’ll come by this evening, if I can get away.”

He hadn’t come back that evening. Or the evening after that. The day after that,  _ Caleb  _ was the busy one, stuck out in the Xhorassian wilderness trying to find some Cobalt Soul artifact for Dairon and Beau that had been abandoned centuries ago. 

Which was _fine, _really. He didn’t mind helping Beau--gods know she had done enough for him and the rest of the group so far. 

What he did mind was the cold, and the lack of privacy in the dome, and the Storm Giants, and the fact that  _ he could not get Essek out of his mind,  _ and he was pretty sure if he didn’t have sex with that man soon he might actually physically die.

Which was stupid. He’d gone sixteen years without sex before. He could do it again. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he wasn’t a hormone-induced teenager. He could, in fact, wait. Patience was a virtue, or so they said.

...The fact that he convinced the group to return to Rosohna for a few days of rest before heading to Traveler-Con was something of a victory, however. Convincing Jester to cast  _ Sending  _ on Essek to find out if he was available that evening was even moreso. And by the blessing of some god Caleb didn’t really believe in, Essek was both available and had extended an invitation for Caleb to come over as soon as he got back.

Jester teased him horribly about it the whole evening, but it was fine. He’d endure whatever sort of teasing he’d get from Jester if it meant he got to see Essek again. 

A quick shave and a change of clothes later, he made his way to Essek’s home, where he was invited in, led to the study, and then promptly had the door shut in his face.

“Wha--Essek?” He tried the door handle, but it was locked. A sense of panic began swelling in his stomach. Was this a trap? A trick of some sort? What if this was all a plot by Ikithon to get him to lower his guard and--

“I’m sorry!” The drow’s voice was muffled through the door, but it was still Essek’s voice. There was no mistaking his accent. “I just--I keep meaning to  _ talk  _ to you, but every time we’re in the same room together we end up kissing instead of talking, and it’s  _ important _ that I talk to you. So...A door between us. So that we might converse.”

Caleb couldn’t help but laugh, the anxiety in his stomach lifting as he leaned against the door frame. “A bit of an overreaction, don’t you think? We’re both adults. We can--we can handle a conversation without kissing.”

“Oh, really?” Essek’s voice was smug to the point of pretentiousness. “So if I were to open this door right now, you  _ wouldn’t _ kiss me senseless, despite not seeing each other for a week? How disappointing.”

There was a small  _ click _ , and Caleb knew Essek had unlocked the door, but hadn’t opened it, instead leaving the hypothetical ball in Caleb’s hypothetical court. 

A delicate situation: if he opened the door, he would inevitably  _ want  _ to kiss Essek senseless, thus proving him right for locking the door in the first place. On the other hand,  _ not _ opening the door  _ also _ proved him right, about neither of them having the strength to resist one another physically.

Clever man.

With a defeated sigh, Caleb turned around so that his back was leaning against the doorframe before he slid down it, so that he sat leaned against the door on the carpeted ground. “You may have a point,” he confessed, his head leaned against the door, his knees tucked under his arms. “You might’ve written a letter.” He offered, wishing that they had talked about whatever Essek wanted to speak about earlier, and not wasted the little time they had together by talking. Especially since talking verbally meant Caleb would have ample opportunities to put his foot in his mouth and ruin everything.

“I considered it,” Essek said. “But I wanted to hear what you had to say.”

That was intriguing. “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

He could hear the hesitation in Essek’s voice as he took the time to carefully consider his words. “What--what  _ are _ we, Caleb Widogast? Are we dating? Are we--are we just kissing for fun? Are you interested in me? Are you--Luxon above, are you  _ courting _ me? I tried to do some research on Imperial courting practices but I didn’t get very far. Information about the Empire is...scarce, even for me.”

A fair question. One that Caleb might’ve thought to ask himself, if he had managed to think about anything beyond his libido for the past week. “I--I don’t know what we are,” Caleb confessed, running a hand through his auburn hair, a few loose curls coming out of his hair tie. “We never talked about it. What--what do you want to be?”

A small chuckle. “I believe I asked you first, Widogast.”

He considered being pedantic and pointing out that Essek merely asked for clarification, not a specific desire, but after thinking about it, he realized he did eventually want to kiss him again, and arguing about something ridiculous like this wasn’t likely to lead to that situation. “I suppose I want whatever you want,” Caleb confessed, feeling small pressed against the dark wood of Essek’s home. “I--I enjoy spending time with you, Essek. If you wish to have a--a relationship, I’m open to the idea. If you just want to kiss again without changing things between us, I’m okay with that. And if you want to stop--whatever this is, between us, I--would respect your decision.”

He would hate it, but he would accept it, if that’s what Essek wanted.

(Gods, he hoped that wasn’t what Essek wanted!)

“Hmph. A diplomatic answer.”

“What do  _ you _ want, Essek?” Caleb turned the question back on him, a little frustrated that his own answer wasn’t apparently good enough. “Do you want a relationship? Do you just want a--a friend with benefits? What do  _ you  _ want?”

“I want,” the dark elf sighed dramatically. “I  _ don’t _ want a--what did you call it? A friend with benefits? I can serve my own needs, thank you. If--if that’s all you are interested in, then I don’t see this working out, I’m sorry. And I think I’m too young to be courted seriously, especially by someone so--so different from me. At least right now,” Essek breathed in deeply, and while Caleb couldn’t see him, he could imagine that Essek was just a bit flustered as he spoke. “And I don’t want to stop kissing you, because despite all common sense and evidence to the contrary, I do rather like you, Widogast.”

“I can’t imagine why.” He said, in a dry tone of voice that could be taken as either a joke or seriously, depending. He meant it as a joke, but now that he said it, he was curious what Essek had to say in response.

“Is it so ridiculous to think that someone might  _ like _ you, Caleb?” Essek questioned; Caleb didn’t have a response, feeling small and ridiculous. It took Essek a moment to continue. “I--you make me  _ laugh,  _ Caleb. And you treat me like a person, not just someone in a position of authority. And you’re so  _ smart _ , I could talk to you about magic all the time and never get bored,” There was a slight pause as it sounded like Essek was readjusting himself. “And I suppose I find you very handsome as well.”

Caleb smiled warmly, a rush of butterflies filling his chest in a way it hadn’t since he was a teenager. “I like you too, Essek,” he confessed, surprising himself with his own honesty. He did like Essek: it wasn’t a lie or a ploy or a manipulation: just a genuine fact. The fact that they had kissed the last few times they had been together was just a bonus that came on top of a general appreciation for Essek’s company. “You’re charming and smart ,” he toyed with the amulet he always kept around his neck, the one that kept him safe from scrying. “You’re always _kind_, to--to me, and to the rest of the Nein. That means so much to me. Most people in my life and in my past haven’t been very kind. And you are,” he breathed in deeply. “Incredibly attractive. I can’t even believe you would like someone like me.”

“What’s not to like?”

“I’m human? From the Empire? And there are  _ so  _ many more attractive men out there. Like, look at Fjord, he’s--”

“Not you.” Essek assured him, his voice soft and kind but solid, impossible to argue with. “And I like  _ you _ , Caleb Widogast.”

He felt himself blush in the empty room. “I--I like you too, Essek.”

“Sounds like we like each other,” Essek teased through the door, causing Caleb to let loose a chuckle, the nervous swell in his stomach releasing. “I suppose we should date one another, then.”

“I suppose so,” Caleb agreed, moving his head off of the door, turning instead so that he was facing the door handle. He wanted to kiss him again. “Can we open the door now?”

“Just--one more thing. Two more things, actually.” Essek breathed deeply. “I don’t think I’ll get in trouble with the Dynasty for dating you, but I also don’t want to risk endangering my job. Does--will it bother you if we keep things subtle, while we’re in public?”

Caleb shook his head, then remembered that Essek couldn’t see him. “That’s fine. I can keep a secret. Can we tell my companions, or would you prefer to keep them in the dark?”

  
“I don’t mind if they know. It might be fun to keep them guessing, though. I’ll leave that decision up to you to tell them if you’d like.” Essek breathed in deeply, and Caleb could tell that he was about to ask something he was nervous about. “The second thing: I don’t want to have sex.”

That caused Caleb to pause. “...Like, ever?”

“No. Well, um, not for a while, I guess,” Essek laughed hesitantly, a fake sort of laugh that came mostly from nervousness. “It’s just the last two relationships I had, they both went--went  _ too _ fast, and I ended up getting really hurt, emotionally, and I just--I want to take it slower, with you. Because I really,  _ really  _ like you, and if I end up fucking things up with you I’ll probably still have to work with you, because I’m the Nein’s liaison, and I don’t want to ruin things like I have in the past. And if that’s a deal breaker for you--”

“It’s not,” Caleb assured him, surprising himself with his own honesty. For all that he had touched himself since he and Essek had started-- _ this _ \--he found he didn’t mind the thought of waiting, if that’s what his partner wanted. “We can take things as slowly as we need to. It’s--” he paused, playing with his necklace again. “It’s been a  _ long  _ time since I’ve been with someone, romantically or sexually. Taking things slow is probably a smart idea for both of us.”

“It’s been a while for me, too,” Essek confessed. “And please, don’t think that it’s not that I don’t want you, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just, I want to do things  _ right _ , with you.”

“Me too,” Caleb confessed. “Can I kiss you now?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” Essek laughed, opening the door behind Caleb. He was hovering at full height while Caleb sat on the floor, but he wasted no time lowering himself into Caleb’s lap, kissing him deeply but quickly. “Then you can take me to dinner,  _ khalir. _ ”

* * *

They did make it to dinner eventually, though a bit later that they meant to. Kissing had taken longer than they meant it to, and when they had pried themselves off of one another it had taken a bit to straighten themselves out. They decided to disguise themselves while going out, and that had been its own moment of silliness as they discussed the pros and cons of various disguises. Essek had turned himself into another drow, a less attractive version of himself with longer hair, while Caleb adopted his blue tiefling disguise, looking very much like himself, if he had been born Jester’s twin.

They talked freely when they were out, holding each other’s hands and talking, getting to know one another in ways they hadn’t previously. He learned that Essek was the youngest of four siblings, and the only one of them that wasn’t a consecrated soul at birth. He learned that Essek wasn’t born into Den Thelyss, but had been adopted into it after they realized he had a talent for magic. Essek, likewise, learned that the last time Caleb had dated someone had been sixteen years ago; that Caleb liked the rice they’d had with dinner but greatly preferred bread, and that he’d only traveled with the Mighty Nein for less than a year, now, but that he considered them his family.

When Essek walked him home after dinner, they kissed on the front porch for twenty minutes, until Darion came out and shooed Essek away, like a parent might to a teenager who had stayed out past curfew.

The two days they were in Rosohna before Traveler-con, Caleb spent as much time as possible with Essek, which wasn’t nearly as much time as Caleb would like, because Essek still unfortunately had to work. But they had dinner together each night, and kissed for several hours afterwards, and talked almost as much as they kissed, and Caleb found he enjoyed both activities equally well.

Before the Nein left for the island, Essek had given him a gift. A notebook, blue leather bound, but sparked with the scent of the arcane. “It’s a messenger book,” Essek explained over Caleb’s puzzled look. “You write something in your copy, and it’ll appear in my copy,” he lifted his own book, a twin to the journal Caleb had. “It’s a way for us to keep in contact without using spell-slots.”

Like Jester’s sending spell, but written down, and something he could keep private, without the rest of the group nosing their way into his business. “I love it,” Caleb said, and then kissed his boyfriend, because he could. “I’ll write in it every night.”

“I hope you do. I want to hear about all of your adventures,” Essek kissed him back swiftly, before pulling away. “Am I teleporting you guys to this...island, right?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Oh, I mind. But,” he squeezed Caleb’s hand, letting their hands swing together between them. “I suppose I mind less now than I did previously.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was surprising how easily writing to Essek fit into Caleb’s daily routine. Alarm spell, putting up the dome, counting spell components, preparing spells for the next day, writing in his other notebook, then writing to Essek. He often wrote whole paragraphs about what had happened that day, sometimes even writing pages if it had been a particularly eventful day. Sometimes, if things had been timed just right, Essek was able to respond to his messages immediately, and they were able to talk to one another via text, trading messages back and forth, but most days Caleb wrote in the evenings, and woke up to a response from Essek in the morning.

He wrote about everything, from the mundane to the extreme. He still filtered his thoughts somewhat. He wasn’t stupid; he knew anything he wrote to Essek could still end up in the Bright Queen’s ear. But it was still nice to just talk to him, to write down every crazy thing that had happened in his daily life and have someone else to respond to.

* * *

They had made it to Port Damali and had the comfort of an inn, for once. A disastrous day had led them to splurge a little bit, at Fjord’s insistence, that they each deserved a “goddamn bed for the night.” By some miracle, there were even enough rooms for them to each have a private room, if they wanted, which most of them insisted on for at least an evening.

As was habit, he had taken the time before bed to write to Essek:

_ Fjord almost got sacrificed to a volcano today. Turns out Jester’s not just in a cult, but is actually the  _ ** _leader _ ** _ of said cult. She’s not having a good time right now. On the plus side, the dunamancy spells you’ve taught me keep saving us: Fjord not dead right now because I managed to use the immovable object spell on his whip, keeping him from falling. So thank you, Essek; my friend isn’t dead because of what you taught me. _

He yawned and put the book away, intending on sleeping when he felt the vibration of the book, meaning Essek had responded. He pulled it back out immediately. In swirly, elegant handwriting was Essek’s response:

_ I’m glad Fjord is okay. Jester is the leader of a cult? Why am I not surprised? I’m glad the spell came in handy for more than pranking. No one was injured, I hope? _

Caleb grinned, and pulled out his quill to respond.

_ A few of us are injured. Veth was shot in the leg by a crossbow, and Beau’s shoulder is fucked up, and Yasha is  _ ** _perpetually _ ** _ injured, but we’re fine other than that. Actually get to sleep in a bed tonight, so that will help. How was your day? _

He waited a moment to see if Essek would respond, and sure enough the book vibrated again.

_ Well, no one got sacrificed to a volcano, but to be honest I wouldn’t have minded throwing Imyrn into one if we’d been anywhere near one. _

Ha.  _ That’s the accountant, right? _

_ Indeed. He doesn’t seem to be aware of the fact that magic costs gold to cast. “Is there any way we can use charcoal instead of obsidian for our shadow warriors?” No, asshole, that’s not how magic works.  _

Caleb rolled his eyes.  _ Every wizard in Exandria  _ ** _wishes _ ** _ that’s how it worked. _

_ Right? I wish he’d go bother someone else’s department and leave mine alone. _

Caleb frowned into his notebook, and drew a sad frowny face.  _ I’m sorry. It sounds frustrating. _

_ It is.  _ There was a pause, and then the notebook vibrated again.  _ When will you be back in Rosohna? _

A good question; one Caleb wished he knew the answer to.  _ Hopefully in the next few days. Fjord has some people he wants to talk to while we’re here in Port Damali, and we may stop by Nicodranas so Jester can see her muther since she’s so distraught.  _ He paused, tapping the quill on the notebook as he thought carefully about what he wanted to say next.  _ I miss you. _

_ I miss you, too. I wish you were here tonight. _

Caleb sat the quill down and looked around. The inn was quiet, and his alarm spell was already in place, but that didn’t stop him from taking a moment to stand up and double check to make sure the door was locked before he crawled back into bed, and to Essek’s messages.

_ Oh?  _ He wrote back cheekily.  _ And what would you do if I was there tonight? _

It took Essek a moment to respond:  _ I’d take you to bed with me, darling. _

Fuck. That was what he was hoping he’d write.  _ Would you?  _ He wrote back, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood.  _ I thought we were taking things slow. _

They were, of course, though it wasn’t by choice but rather proximity. There was a point in Caleb’s life when he enjoyed how much the Nein constantly traveled; now he found he wished they could stay in one place (Rosohna) long enough for him to spend more time with Essek.

Writing like this helped, of course, but it was nothing compared to actually  _ being _ with Essek.

_ Well, maybe I wouldn’t. But I’d want to. I think about it all the time.  _ Caleb groaned while reading.  _ Are you alone? _

_ Yes. Are you? _

_ Yes. _

Caleb slid one hand under the covers, cupping himself lightly.  _ Then tell me what all you want to do to me, liebling.  _

* * *

He would sooner burn his notebook before ever letting anyone ever look at what he and Essek had written to each other that night. But whenever he had the time and the privacy, he found himself rereading what they’d written over, and over, and over again. 

* * *

It took  _ weeks  _ to get back to Rosohna. After leaving Port Damali, Caduceus had had another vision from the Wildmother, which led to them hunting down the Stone family and reforging another sword, this time for Yasha. It had taken three and a half weeks and had taken them trapezing through the ruins of Draconia, but it was finished, finally.

“Ooh, we should take a break and go to Nicodranas!” Jester suggested, and Caleb felt like he could kill her. “We can go see my mama and Nott’s family!”

“Alternate suggestion:  _ you _ can go to Nicodranas, and I’ll go back to Roshona and see my boyfriend. We have teleportation circles in both locations; it costs very little for us to go to both places.”

“Sure, let’s split the party. Nothing bad has ever happened because of that, right?” Beau snarked at him. 

“Jester has  _ Sending _ . It takes only a few moments to send a message, and it takes about a minute to teleport. Hopefully nothing attacks us while we’re in two of our home bases.”

“I want to go to Rosohna,” Yasha suggested, her quiet voice supporting Caleb’s idea. “I have bracers there that I never picked up.”

“Oh shit, right, I forgot about that. And I should probably check in with Darion if we’re going there.”

Fjord shrugged. “So we’ll split the party. Caleb can send Jester, Nott, and myself to Nicodranas, and Yasha, Beau, and Caleb can go to Rosohna. Caduceus, where do you want to go?”

The firbolg paused thoughtfully. “I suppose I should check on my garden. I’ll go to Rosohna.”

“And someone should check in with Essek and the Bright Queen, make sure they don’t need us for anything. But I suppose Caleb’s got that covered, huh?” Jester winked, nudging him in the stomach with her elbow.

“I promise if I do nothing else, I’ll be checking in with Essek,” Caleb promised them, keeping his face neutral despite the excitement building in his chest. (It had been weeks. He was allowed to  _ want  _ like this, wasn’t he?)

“Checking in with his  _ pants _ , more likely,” Beau mumbled. Then “Ow, fuck, it was a  _ joke _ , Nott!”

“You leave Caleb alone! He’s allowed to be excited about seeing his boyfriend!”

While they were conversing, he pulled out his blue notebook and sent a quick message Essek’s way.  _ Good news! I’m coming back to Rosohna for at least an evening but hopefully longer! _

The response was almost immediate.  _ That’s great! There is a formal occasion tonight that requires my presence that I must attend--would you like to join me? It’s bound to be boring but the food with be free. _

He was in the process of writing out his acceptance when another of Essek’s messages appeared instead.  _ Actually, extend the invitation to the rest of your group as well. It’s a celebration dinner; the Heroes of the Dynasty should be in attendance. We would have sent out a formal invitation weeks ago, but you guys have been out for awhile.  _

He scratched out what he had started to write, and instead wrote:  _ Will do. _

He shut his messenger book gently. “Change of plans. We’re  _ all  _ going to Roshana. They’re having a fancy formal celebration and would like the Heroes of the Dynasty to make an appearance tonight.”

Jester gasped. “A fancy formal thing? Oh, we get to go  _ shopping! _ ”

“Oh joy,” Fjord deadpanned. 

There was a rush of voices as everyone began discussing what they wanted to do, or where, or what order they should do things.

“Sorry, Veth,” Caleb knelt down beside his friend, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I know you wanted to see your family.”

She shrugged. “It’s fine. I like fancy, formal things,” she paused thoughtfully. “Actually, could you ask Essek if I can bring Yeza and Luc? They may want to come to Roshana for the party and then stay the night.”

“I can ask.”

Essek didn’t mind, and neither did anyone else in the Dynasty; the formal affair was a celebration of the Luxon, the night before the Day of Light celebration in the capital.  _ It’s the first time we’ve had a Beacon of the Luxon home for the Day of Light in almost a century, thanks to your efforts.  _ Essek had written.  _ So bring whoever you want. _

That made the excitement of the group go up. It had been afternoon in the ruins of Draconia, but it was still early morning in Nicodranas when they showed up--once again without warning--in Yussah’s tower, and then again in the Lavish Chateau. Jester had tried to convince her mother to come to the evening’s celebration in Rosohna, but the Ruby of the Sea couldn’t be convinced to travel to a foreign city, even just for an evening. Yeza had been pleased to be invited, however, and Luc was excited about magical travel and seeing where his mama worked.

The rest of the day had been a bit of a hurried blur after that; there was shopping to be done, first by selling some of the ruins of Draconia they had managed to grab while traveling to meet the Stones. It had earned them quite a bit of coin, and Jester had insisted that they spend at least part of it on formalwear for the evening. Caleb found he didn’t mind too much; they had the gold to spend, and after weeks of not being able to see Essek, he wanted to impress him if he could. 

He ended up buying several outfits of different levels of formality, settling on a dark blue and silver outfit for the evening that, according to various members of his group, brought out the color of his eyes nicely. With Yasha’s help, he shaved off the monstrosity of a beard that had grown in the weeks they spent traveling. He ended up not getting cut up this time, too, which was a bonus. He even got a haircut, trimming several inches off of his ponytail so that his hair wasn’t quite as wild as it had been.

He wasn’t the only one cleaning their act up: both Fjord and Beau had touched up their undercuts, which had gotten ridiculously shaggy since the last time they were in Rosohna. Veth, Jester, and Yasha had opted to keep their hair long, but took the time to braid their hair into a formal updo. Even Yeza ended up shaving his sideburns down a bit, although whether it was because everyone else had or he wanted to do it for his wife, Caleb didn’t know.

Before he knew it, it was evening at the palace of the Bright Queen, decorated in its splendor to an extend Caleb had never seen. The palace was always a beautiful building, the architecture elven and crystalline, but tonight it shine with a magical sort of decadence, the sort of thing that came from a people who lived for thousands of years throughout time immortal, that outshined anything he’d ever encountered in the Empire. 

Waiting at the palace gates for him was his lover of a month and a half, wearing the same long mantle he always did, a perpetual scowl on his face.

The scowl melted away the moment he saw him, however. “Caleb,” he said quietly, a soft and gentle smile on his voice, and Caleb wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t walking closer as he spoke. 

Time seemed to freeze and blur around him as Essek kissed him, quickly but deeply. It wasn’t long enough--would forever be long enough?-- but it was better than nothing he’d lived with for weeks.

Time seemed to resume, and he heard giggling behind him as Essek pulled away. “And the rest of the Mighty Nein, it seems. Good evening.”

Right. He forgot they existed for a moment.

“You gonna kiss every guest to welcome them, or just the special ones?” Beau teased as Essek flushed a darker shade of purple.

“ _ Beauregard--” _

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have. We are in public, after all,” Essek winced, rubbing the back of his head. He bowed before them, gesturing towards the front of the palace. “If you’ll follow me, please.”

He led them down a long corridor into the Bright Queen’s throne room, which had been decorated in white and silver drapery and crystalline decor. His companions scattered almost immediately: Beau and Yasha to the dance floor, with Jester dragging an uncomfortable looking Fjord behind them. Yeza and Nott had tackled the snack table, and Caduceus was nowhere to be found.

Essek stayed beside him, though, a respectable distance so that someone might mistake them as colleagues, at least until Essek leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Although I should tell you: my sister Meela knows about us.”

Ah. That explained the stiffness. “Meela’s the priestess, right? The oldest?”

“Yes. She’s the High Priestess, actually. She was injured in the Scourager attack months ago, so she’s been at home recovering, temporarily relieved of duty, and it’s led to her meddling out of boredom.” He scowled, his cheeks still a slight dark purple. “She’s insistent on meeting you tonight.”

“Essek, that is fine for me. You have nothing to worry about. I do not mind meeting your sister,” he nodded in the direction of an approaching woman. “Is that her?”

“That would be Meela, yes.” He gestured for her to approach. “Meela, this is Caleb Widogast, arcanist of the Mighty Nein and retriever of the Beacon. Caleb, my oldest sister Meela Thelyss, High Priestess of the Luxon.”

She was plump in a way most drow were not, and her skin more gray compared to Essek’s deep purple. But they were almost certainly related in some fashion: they had the same eyes and the same mouth, although her smile was a bit sharper. She studied Caleb with the scrutiny of a woman who spent long years studying other people, although it was hidden behind kind-looking eyes.

She seemed familiar to Caleb, too, but he chalked it up to her resemblance to Essek. “A pleasure,” she shook his hand, her nails long and sharp. “My, but aren’t you an unexpected surprise? Handsome,” she ran a hand down the side of his face, brushing a stray curl behind his ear. “I like the long hair.”

“ _ Meela-- _ ”

“Oh,  _ hush _ , Essek, I’m not going to embarass you.” She winked at Caleb, as if to tell him that embarrassing her little brother was her favorite hobby. “It is an  _ honor  _ to have the Hero of the Dynasty here this evening for our celebration. You must tell me more about yourself; my brother has been surprisingly tight-lipped about this whole affair. I had to practically torture him just to get him to admit he was dating you!”

She wrapped an arm around Caleb’s, dragging him away from Essek.

He then proceeded to spend the next half hour going through what felt like the most bizarre interrogation of his life; Meela had wanted to know everything about him, or so it seemed. Where had he grown up? Who taught him magic? Did he regret leaving the Empire? Did he have any friends or family still back in the Empire, or was he loyal to the Dynasty completely? Surprisingly few of her questions involved his relationship with Essek: she seemed more interested in who Caleb was a person and where his loyalties lied than they fact that he was dating her brother.

Luckily, it was time for dinner, and Meela was called away to proceed over the meal, giving Caleb a bit of a reprieve. Essek’s face was flushed as he led Caleb to the table where the meal would be served.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, floating beside Caleb as they walked. “She’s never cared about anyone else I’ve ever dated! I don’t know  _ why  _ she felt the need to interrogate you like that--”

“It’s probably because I’m human,” Caleb pointed out as they joined the crowd. “None of your other boyfriends have been human, have they?”

“No. Well, one was a half-orc, but,” he sighed. “You’re probably right. Still, I apologize. This wasn’t how I wanted the evening to go.”

Feeling invisible by the crowd, Caleb reached down and squeezed Essek’s hand. “Well, the night is still young.”

They didn’t get to sit next to each other, but they did get to sit across from one another, which was a blessing in and of itself. Caleb had to practically jump over Fjord to stop him from sitting across from Essek by accident, but it was fine by the end.

Dinner was served over four courses, including dessert. There was some hesitation on how to eat--the food was served with twin sticks as opposed to forks and spoons, and that had been a lesson in and of itself. Caleb knew how to use them a little bit just because he had eaten out before with Essek in the past; his friends, however, were hilarious in their attempts, much to the thankful amusement of the Bright Queen and her entourage.

He didn’t get to monopolize Essek’s attention, either; a fierce but friendly debate over the nature of reincarnation had sparked across their table, and Essek had Opinions, it seemed, and a need to share them. Beau also had opinions, as did the Minister of Labor, a broad-shouldered bugbear who sat on the Bright Queen’s council not far from them. On the other side of Caleb, Yeza, Caduceus, Nott and the elderly goblin advisor seemed to be discussing the medical properties of mushrooms. 

He’d just have to find his own entertainment, then.

Coyly, he ran his foot against the back of Essek’s shin, teasing him lightly. But to his surprise, his boyfriend didn’t respond to his touch, too busy yelling at Beauregard about how wrong she was.

...Perhaps he was simply distracted?

It didn’t matter; soon, Caleb was dragged into a discussion with Fjord about magic, which the Bright Queen herself joined in for.

The next course was served, and tempers were soothed. The discussion at the table was now about some sort of drow sporting game, of which Essek only had occasional polite commentary to offer and seemed almost as bored of the conversation as Caleb. Fjord, Beau, and Jester were being invited to play in a game the next day--an invitation extended to Caleb as well, but which he and Essek both declined, more interested in a game of a different sort.

Caleb tried playing with him again, running his foot down the entire length of his leg, but once again Essek ignored him.

How  _ odd _ .

The third course was served, but Caleb barely paid it any mind; instead, his mind was furiously trying to connect the dots.

Essek floated everywhere he went. He never went anywhere without his mantle, even to a formal event like tonight, or even a less formal date with Caleb. The mantle was almost certainly enchanted somehow, though Caleb’s detect magic spell couldn’t identify the spell school, which was practically a guarantee that it was dunamancy of some sort. His speciality was time, yes, but part of dunamancy was also the study of  _ gravity _ .

When they were at the White Dragon’s den, Essek didn’t leave behind footprints in the snow. When the ball bearings were left on the Mighty Nein’s floor, he pushed the ball bearings away naturally. 

Essek floated not out of pretension like Caleb had assumed when he first met him, but because he  _ couldn’t _ walk. His mantle helped him levitate almost constantly. And based on how he hadn’t responded to Caleb’s flirting, he likely couldn’t feel anything in his legs, if Caleb was guessing correctly.

(Was that why he didn’t want to have sex…?  _ Could  _ he have sex, even, if--?)

An impulsive instinct overtook him, and Caleb kicked Essek under the table sharply, in a way that was impossible to ignore and, likely, should have hurt and caused some sort of reaction.

But Essek didn’t respond at all.

Schiesse, but he was  _ right _ , wasn’t he? Essek was paralyzed, or injured, or  _ something _ , and Caleb was a stupid fucking idiot who hadn’t noticed before now. 

_ And the winner of the worst boyfriend in the world award goes to me _ , Caleb thought sullenly. Why hadn’t Essek  _ told _ him? He could understand not saying anything before, when they weren’t dating and Caleb had technically been nothing more than Essek’s student; frankly, it wasn’t any of Caleb’s business. But now?

And  _ sheisse _ , he had planned on asking Essek to dance after dinner! What an  _ idiot _ he was!

Maybe Essek thought he knew already? Caleb tried to reason, but how was Caleb supposed to know? Or maybe he’s embarrassed? But what was there to be embarrassed by, Caleb wondered. 

“--leb. Caleb?” Oh, someone was talking to him.

“What is it, Veth?” He asked, shaking himself out of his musing.

“Are you alright?” She asked, three seats away but full of motherly concern. “You haven’t touched your spider legs.”

“ _ Nein _ , I’m fine. I just filled up on bread earlier.” He lied, pushing his plate away from him. He couldn’t imagine eating at the moment.

Why hadn’t Essek  _ trusted  _ him? 

_ Like you can even talk about trust, _ Caleb chided himself. How much about himself had he not told Essek, either? Trust was a two-way street, and it seemed like it was something they both struggled with.

He was about to spiral into another depressive episode when he felt a hand on his thigh. Looking down into his lap he saw a spectral mage hand, different from the one Nott normally summoned, a shimmering translucent purple slender hand, tracing circles onto his pants.

He looked up to see Essek wink at him before he continued his conversation with Yeza about plants.

Oh, but he was a fool, wasn’t he? Caleb felt his heart race in his chest, threatening to burst from the amount of affection he felt for the dark elf. Did it even matter that he and Essek didn’t trust one another? They still  _ liked _ one another, and that alone was a feeling worth pursuing. How long had it been since he felt like this? Since he just simply  _ liked _ something (or in this case, someone) exactly as it was, without feeling guilty or ashamed for wanting something?

He spent the rest of the meal playing with the spectral hand on his thigh, occasionally rubbing his foot against Essek’s leg, unsure if Essek could feel what he was doing, but no longer caring. It was enough to just touch him, even if Essek couldn’t touch him back.

* * *

After dinner there were speeches, and a lot of them. It was nearing midnight, and Caleb was reaching a point of exhaustion, yet still he stood beside Essek as other members of the council gave their speeches. The first was from the Minister of Labor, who had a grand speech about working together in the face of adversity, how what made Xhorhas strong was their willingness to come together. 

“Do you have to give a speech like this?” Caleb inquired, which was met with an amused chuckle from his beloved.

“No,” Essek scooted closer to him, reaching down to take Caleb’s hand in his own. “Thankfully.”

Then the War General spoke about the war efforts and how Xhorhas was prevailing against the evils of the Empire. Caleb tried not to listen to him much, instead focusing on the warmth of Essek’s hand wrapped in his.

“I’d like to dance with you,” Essek whispered into his ear; Caleb felt himself blush. “Later, on the balcony, after most people leave. If you’d like.”

“I’d love to.”

Next came the Sky Sibil, who talked about the history of Xhorhas and the light of the Luxon, and the importance of the holiday and the promise of rebirth.

After the Sky Sibil, the Bright Queen herself spoke, her voice regal. No one spoke while she spoke; no one dared. She thanked the Mighty Nein for bringing the Luxon to the Dynasty, and she spoke about how they still searched for the remaining Beacons, but that she had faith they’d return to them soon enough.

“I realize it’s late in the evening,” the Queen promised. “But I’d like to close our evening with a prayer. High Priestess Thelyss, if you would be so kind…?”

Suddenly, Essek tensed. “Something’s wrong,” he explained, letting go of Caleb’s hand and stepping closer to the dias where the rest of the council stood. 

What happened next was something out of a nightmare: Essek’s sister approached the Bright Queen, embracing her tightly before stabbing her in the back, quite literally. 

The disguise spell wore off immediately, as her form shifted from that of Essek’s sister to that of a short human woman with cropped dark hair, her knife bloody as the Bright Queen’s body crumbled. He would recognize the woman anywhere, even if it had been sixteen years since he saw her last.

_ Astrid. _


End file.
